middle-aged

Column Classic: Hard-Wired

by Lisa Scottoline

There was an article in the newspaper the other day that scared me.

No, it wasn’t about carbohydrates.

It was about our brains, and the gist was that by going online and cruising lots of different websites, we’re actually changing the wiring in our brains, and this will result in an inability to concentrate and…

Huh?

Where was I?

What?

Uh oh.

This is bad news.  Five minutes ago, I was supposed to be working, but I took a break to go online.  I stopped at all my favorite gossip websites, like perezhilton.com, people.com, and the superficial.com, then I moved onto gawker.com and gofugyourself.com.

I’m not making that last one up.  It’s about fashion, as you would guess if you knew how fussy I am about which sweatpants to wear.

I also visit work-related websites, like galleycat.com and publishersweekly.com, and I post on Facebook and Twitter, too.

Friend me.  Follow me.  This way we can get to know each another without changing out of our sweatpants.

I make lots of other local stops on my train ride through the Internet, and my track winds around and around in circles, does a few loop-de-loops, zooms around a cloverleaf and spells out CALL ME, GEORGE CLOONEY before it returns to the station.

And this will mirror the wiring in my brain?

I’m tempted to say it’s mind-blowing, but that’s the point.

Plus it’s unfair, because the punishment doesn’t fit the crime.  Everybody deserves a break from work now and then, according to federal law and McDonald’s. 

You deserve a break today.  At least six times today.

So how can it be fair that what you do during your break can break your brain?

That’s like making a funny face and having your face freeze that way.  And if you ever wished that on anybody, I hope you’re happy now.  Our brains are all messed up because of you. 

The article even had a Test Your Focus interactive, so I took the test, which involved red and blue bars in various formations.  I went with my best guess between Yes and No, and scored a  -.33 %, which seemed pretty good to me, considering that I didn’t understand the directions.

I couldn’t concentrate.

To make things worse, imagine you’re a middle-aged woman.

Stop screaming. 

It’s not funny.

It takes a real man to be a middle-aged woman.

If you follow.

Anyway, all middle-aged women know that something happens to the brain after fifty years of age.  I even read an article about it, but I can’t remember where.  Or someone told me, what’s-her-name.  And I think the article said something about declining hormone levels causing a decrease in brain function.  It talked about menopause creating confusion, a wandering mind, and “brain fog.”

Or something like that.

It was hard to pay attention.  At the time, I was daydreaming.

About you-know-who.

Also I like my fog in the air, not between my ears.  Weather, stay out of my head.

To return to topic, all I know is, menopause is bad news, brain-wise. 

Consider the implications. 

What this means is that those of us at a certain age have a double whammy, when it comes to the computer.  In other words, if you’re cruising the Internet without estrogen, you should stop right now. 

Step away from the laptop. 

You won’t understand anything you read.  And even if you did, you won’t remember it.

You’re a goner, cognitively speaking.

You’ll fare no better, offline.  One of the articles said that brain fog can roll in at anytime, and “women find themselves often worrying whether or not they have forgotten to turn the iron off.”

Heh heh.

Silly women, who forget to put the butter churn away, or leave their darning needles all over the floor, where the unwary can step on them, getting a hole that needs…darning?

Darn it!

Well, I, for one, never worry about turning the iron off, because I never turn the iron on.  In fact, I don’t own an iron.  And between the iron and the laptop, I’ll choose the latter.  In a pinch, you can press your sweatpants with a laptop.

Don’t ask me how I know.

Copyright © Lisa Scottoline.

Column Classic: Women’s Rights and Wrongs

By Lisa Scottoline

Everywhere you look you can see enormous regard for women, especially among big business. 

I’m talking about two great new products. 

The first is the wine rack. 

No, not that wine rack. 

Not that shelf with the holes that hold wine bottles. 

Silly. 

I’m talking about a bra that has two plastic bags, one in each cup, and you can fill the bags with wine, which you can drink through a tube attached to the bra. 

The “wine rack.” 

Get it? 

It’s so punny! 

Anyway, what a clever idea, right? 

I’m sure that every woman has wondered whether she could drink wine out of her bra. 

That is, everyone but me. 

Although to be fair, I have wondered if I could eat chocolate cake out of my bra. 

Then I could have cupcakes! 

See, I can think of stupid puns, too! 
By the way, I don’t know where your breasts go if the cups of your bra are occupied by wine bags. Evidently, you can’t be picky when your underwear doubles as a beverage delivery system. 

And who doesn’t want their wine warmed by body heat? 

In any event, it’s good to know that American business is constantly thinking of innovative ways to meet the needs of women. 

Alcoholic women. 

In fact, if you look up the wine rack online, they call it “every girl’s best friend.” 

Really? 

More like every girl’s best frenemy. 

Because, let’s be real. It’s a bra. 

Every girl’s best friend is going braless. 

Amazingly, in addition to the wine rack, I came across another genius product for women, called the Shewee. 

Yes, you read that right. 

According to its website, the Shewee is “urinating device that allows women to urinate when they’re on the go.” 

In other words, if you have to go while you’re on the go. 

I’d like to describe a Shewee to you, but good taste prevails. 

For a change. 

The bottom line is that it’s plastic and it’s shaped like – well, it’s for girls who have penis envy. 

In other words, no girl ever. 

Only a man would come up with the idea that women have penis envy. Because anybody who has ever seen a penis knows that no woman would want one.  

You know what’s in men’s pants that we want? 

A wallet. 

To stay on point, the Shewee is the “the original female urination device.” 

Copycats, beware. 

Accept no substitutions. 

Like a Tupperware funnel. 

The website says that the Shewee is perfect for “camping, festivals, cycling, during pregnancy, long car journeys, climbing, sailing, skiing, the list is endless!” 

It doesn’t say anything about being middle-aged. 

Too bad, because I’m pretty sure that if you’re middle-aged, you’ll want one of these babies. Even if you don’t camp or go to festivals, and your days of pregnancy are behind you. 

We know why, don’t we, ladies? 

Do I have to spell it out for you – in the snow? 

I myself am about to order a gross. 

Because it’s gross. 

My favorite thing about the Shewee is that it comes in seven different colors. 

Oddly, there was no yellow. 

If you ask me, that’s a no-brainer. 

Get your marketing together, people. 

My favorite color was “Power Pink.” 

Because nothing says empowered like being able to pee where you want, damn it. 

Sayonara, rest stops. 

I gonna pee in my car! 

Woot woot! 

Now you know the perfect gifts for all your girlfriends. 

If you get them the wine rack, I guarantee they’re going to need the Shewee. 

Copyright Lisa Scottoline 2014