By Lisa Scottoline
The holiday season is over, and that means it’s time for your new prezzies!
Yay!
My thing is that I wear everything I got right away and all the time.
Like if I got a new sweater for the holiday, I put it right on.
I wear it every day, to death.
And then if I got another new sweater, I put that one on next.
For about six days after the holidays, I look fantastic.
If I got nice earrings, I wear them with whatever T-shirt I got.
I don’t care if they go together or not.
I lack prezzie impulse-control.
New is new new.
And it boosts my mood into the next year, which is also new.
And as you may know, I don’t make New Year’s resolutions because I think they’re too negative.
Instead I think about the good things I did right and vow to keep doing them.
Like wearing prezzies!
And eating spaghetti!
And kissing my puppy on the lips!
The only downside of this season is trying to figure out some of my presents.
For example, my bestie Nan gave me a vest that heats up by itself.
Like menopause, but in a good way.
It has a button that you press, which will glow various colors depending on how hot the vest is.
You may think it’s crazy, but it’s actually genius.
I’ve worn it for a few days and now I can’t imagine why all clothes aren’t heated all the time. I can go outside in any weather and feel super warm, glowing red as a thermometer in August. I wear it inside and don’t have to turn up the heat as high.
It even preheats like an oven.
I bet it bakes bread.
And I’d get a yeast infection.
Plus the light changes like a traffic light.
It’s the Squid Game of vests.
Until the battery gave out and I had to recharge it.
But I had thrown away the instructions that came with the vest.
I’m not used to directions for clothes.
I’m used to put it on, then take it off.
I looked on the website and saw that the vest came with a Beginner’s Guide.
That would be me.
A heated-vest virgin.
But no longer.
My vest has a battery check, battery level indicators, a USB type-A output port, USB type-C input port, and a DC output port.
How many ports does your vest have?
I bet not enough.
Like now I need a PhD to get dressed.
I’m not smart enough for my smartclothes.
Honestly my vest makes my smartphone look stupid.
In any event, once my vest lost power, I had to get the battery out of its secret pocket, then I had to find the little dongle that I threw away, and finally I had to locate an actual USB port since my laptop doesn’t have one anymore.
But I did it!
I refueled my clothes!
And here we are.
Making new advances in outerwear every day.
Bending nature to our will.
Literally, empowered.
It’s a great way to start the year, new and improved!
Iron Woman!
Copyright © Lisa Scottoline 2025