Chick Wit

• Heavy Petting February 2, 2025

  By Lisa Scottoline

  

  I was in New York and something great happened!

  Let me explain.

  I was there last weekend visiting Daughter Francesca, and we did a million things, including go to the Javitz Center to Meet the Breeds, a dog show where you can see dogs of all varieties, and pet them and kiss them.

  Of course, we have dogs at home that we can pet and kiss.

  So God knows why we paid thirty bucks to pet and kiss other peoples’ dogs, but there you have it.

  We love dogs.

  It was a great time, then afterwards Francesca had somewhere else to go and I went back to the apartment to watch the Eagles in the NFC playoffs, which I did with Flat Bradley, a cardboard cutout of Bradley Cooper.

  It’s way more fun than it sounds.

  And we won!

  I mean the Eagles.

  I also won, because Flat Bradley is the perfect man for me.

  He doesn’t expect dinner and he doesn’t want my money.

  And the sex is great.

  You can follow along on my social media, where I post all the pix.

  Except for the ones that are NSFW.

  Back to the story.

  The whole weekend, I was taking cabs and whipping out my credit card left and right. The day I packed to leave, I was missing my American Express card.

  I had no idea where I lost it.

  Before I go further, let me tell you that the last time I lost a credit card, I was also visiting Francesca in New York City. It was my Visa card and it dropped out of my pocket as I walked along the Hudson River. I cancelled the card, but later that day, a woman emailed me through my website to say she’d found it!

  I love New York!

  After that I vowed to never carry a credit card in my pocket.

  Now I carry my credit card in my wallet.

  But I manage to lose it anyway.

  I know.

  I’m amazing, right?

  I’m Queen of Unforced Errors.

  The proof is that I got married a second time.

  Anyway to return to the story, I was walking to get a coffee before I called the credit card company, and I walked in the door of the coffee shop, it struck me that I had been here two days ago.

  So I took a chance and asked the barista, “By any chance, did I leave an American Express card here?”

  And the barista asked, “What’s your name?”

  I did not answer Mrs. Bradley Cooper, even though I have the mug that says so.

  I answered, and he said, “Yes, you left your card!”

  And he handed it to me!

  What?

  Amazingly, I’ve lost a credit card in New York on two occasions and both times, New York gave me the card back!

  What a city!

  And that morning I walked to the car, carrying my coffee and Flat Bradley.

  You think New York has seen everything?

  It’s hasn’t.

  On the sidewalk, every head turned.

  Drivers in cars pointed and laughed.

  Yes, I had a walk of shame with a cardboard celebrity.

  And we’ll be watching the Super Bowl together, me and my corrugated man.

  Go Birds!

  Copyright © Lisa Scottoline 2025

• Fanfare January 26, 2025

  By Lisa Scottoline

  

  It’s playoff season!

  For me that means, Go Birds!

  Yes, I’m an Eagles fan.

  Lifelong. Die hard. I bleed green.

  At least I did before menopause.

  Anyway the reason this matters is lately I’m wondering if I’m a jerk.

  Because I was listening to the radio, and they were talking about how awful Eagles fans were.

  And then I read an editorial about how awful Eagles fans were.

  And then I asked my bestie Laura and she said a lot of people think Eagles fans are awful, but I still love you.

  OK, I didn’t know any of this.

  Maybe I should have, since the stadium has its own in-house judge to send fans to jail when they get out of line.

  Buzzkill.

  Another hint is Robert DeNiro as an Eagles fan in The Silver Linings Playbook, a movie I love because it has an adorable Jennifer Lawrence and also my imaginary boyfriend Bradley Cooper.

  But I thought that movie was just fiction.

  But now I realize I was in denial.

  Nobody tells us Eagles fans that we’re jerks.

  Maybe because they’re afraid of getting punched in the mouth.

  Me, I’m not that kind of Eagles fan.

  But it got me thinking, like that Reddit forum, Am I The Asshole?

  Like when I say I’m the Eagles fan, do people think I’m an asshole?

  Because I’m kind of not.

  At least you have to know me better to know what kind of asshole I am.

  And if I really plumb my fandom with the Eagles, it comes from being a shariah Philadelphian.

  This is my hometown, I’ve never lived anywhere else, and I have the accent to prove it.

  But if I go deeper, my love for the Eagles goes back to being Frank Scottoline’s daughter.

  My father wasn’t the Eagles fan that you expect, certainly not an asshole, and not even a sports fan in general.

  But I used to spend every Sunday lying on the living room floor with him, watching games.

  My family is big lying-on-the-floor fans.

  I still am.

  There is no couch that beats a floor.

  The dogs love it cause we cuddle up.

  And any time I watch an Eagles game from the floor, I remember my dad lying beside me, explaining about the offensive and the defensive teams, and telling me the names of the players.

  He was a mellow guy so he never shouted at the TV. In fact I don’t think I ever heard my father curse.

  Meanwhile my mother’s hobby was profanity.

  So maybe you see why the divorce.

  My father and I never went to a single football game. We didn’t have the money, but I didn’t know that. What we had was a soft rug, plenty of potato chips, real coke with sugar, and a father and a daughter lying on the floor for two games back-to-back, talking for eight hours.

  And during playoff season, that would include Saturdays.

  So yes, I’m an Eagles fan, but I hope you like me anyway.

  Sadly my father has passed on, so now I watch the game with a cardboard cutout of Bradley Cooper.

  You might think I’m kidding but I’m not.

  I started doing it because I know from the children’s books that kids love Flat Stanley, and I started thinking, why can’t adults have Flat Bradley?

  Well it turns out I can.

  So I bought a cardboard standee of Bradley Cooper a few years ago, and then he got a little worse for wear.

  I won’t tell you how.

  Then my bestie Franca got me a new Flat Bradley, and he looked so good in his cardboard tuxedo.

  You can check my social media during the playoffs and watch me make dirty jokes with a cardboard cutout of a man.

  Why do I do it?

  For fun.

  Because if you ask me, I think fandom is about fun. It’s about belonging to a community, or a city, or a group of people who love the same thing.

  I love fans of all kinds.

  I love fans of anything.

  I love people who love things.

  To me, that’s what life is about.

  It’s a loving kinship, with team gear.

  So Go Birds!

  We’re family.

  Copyright © Lisa Scottoline 2025

• Good For What Ails You January 19, 2025

  by Lisa Scottoline

  

  These are turbulent times.

  I have a cure.

  A puppy.

  First, let me state the obvious.

  Don’t get a puppy if you’re not going to take care of it forever.

  I assume I’m talking to responsible adults here.

  But now, let’s be real.

  I got a puppy and I am in love.

  There is no illness a puppy can’t cure.

  I’m having the best time ever, throwing balls for her and holding nylabones while she chews them.

  I feel sure that every minute I spend is adding time to my life.

  My deadline is going to hell but I’ll worry when I’m dead.

  The absolute best thing to do with the puppy is sleep with one.

  In your bed.

  Under the covers.

  I know, it sounds weird.

  Maybe you have something better to sleep with.

  Like a man.

  Or a woman.

  I used to sleep with men, and none of them was as much fun as a puppy.

  That’s just the truth.

  I think it begins when we’re kids and we sleep with stuffed animals. I had a pink rabbit named Pinky, and I still have her.  She’s ancient but she looks good for her age.

  Or maybe I’m projecting.

  I don’t know who started kids sleeping with stuffed animals, but it’s an absolutely great idea. I loved Pinky, and now I have a little puppy who’s the size and shape of Pinky.

  And I’m a kid again.

  Our story begins with me putting Eve in a crate next to my bed at night, which is what I read you were supposed to do. But she would wake up two, three, and four times to go out. I would take her out each time, she’d pee, and I’d give her a treat.

  The next day, I was tired.

  Very.

  Then I started to worry that she was waking up for the treat and/or the attention.

  I figured this out because I used to kiss her all the way downstairs and outside.

  Listen, I’m a good kisser.

  Not to brag.

  So last night, from the outset, I put her in my bed instead of the crate.

  And instead of waking up four times a night, she slept till 7:30 in the morning.

  And I got the first good night’s sleep since I got her.

  Plus it was fun.

  Like, so much fun.

  Eve just cuddled up at my side, nestled in my flannel nightgown.

  This is sex for middle-aged women.

  Now we sleep together, old lady and new puppy.

  I’m well aware that some of you might be grossed out at this point.

  I say this because I once wrote a character that slept with her dog under the covers, and my editor said it was disgusting.

  Really?

  But it’s cold at night.

  How can I cover myself and not the dog?

  I’m also aware that there are people who don’t allow their dog on the furniture, much less the sheets.

  I admire them.

  They set limits I never could.

  They’re never wearing more dog hair than their dog.

  They probably balance their checkbook every month.

  And they marry the right guy the first time.

  Me, not so much.

  But it all turned out alright in the end.

  Me and my little furball are having a great time.

  Bottom line, whatever gets you through the night.

  Copyright © 2025 Lisa Scottoline

• Superhot Mama January 12, 2025

  By Lisa Scottoline

  

  The holiday season is over, and that means it’s time for your new prezzies!

  Yay!

  My thing is that I wear everything I got right away and all the time.

  Like if I got a new sweater for the holiday, I put it right on.

  I wear it every day, to death.

  And then if I got another new sweater, I put that one on next.

  For about six days after the holidays, I look fantastic.

  If I got nice earrings, I wear them with whatever T-shirt I got.

  I don’t care if they go together or not.

  I lack prezzie impulse-control.

  New is new new.

  And it boosts my mood into the next year, which is also new.

  And as you may know, I don’t make New Year’s resolutions because I think they’re too negative.

  Instead I think about the good things I did right and vow to keep doing them.

  Like wearing prezzies!

  And eating spaghetti!

  And kissing my puppy on the lips!

  The only downside of this season is trying to figure out some of my presents.

  For example, my bestie Nan gave me a vest that heats up by itself.

  Like menopause, but in a good way.

  It has a button that you press, which will glow various colors depending on how hot the vest is.

  You may think it’s crazy, but it’s actually genius.

  I’ve worn it for a few days and now I can’t imagine why all clothes aren’t heated all the time. I can go outside in any weather and feel super warm, glowing red as a thermometer in August. I wear it inside and don’t have to turn up the heat as high.

  It even preheats like an oven.

  I bet it bakes bread.

  And I’d get a yeast infection.

  Plus the light changes like a traffic light.

  It’s the Squid Game of vests.

  Until the battery gave out and I had to recharge it.

  But I had thrown away the instructions that came with the vest.

  I’m not used to directions for clothes.

  I’m used to put it on, then take it off.  

  I looked on the website and saw that the vest came with a Beginner’s Guide.

  That would be me.

  A heated-vest virgin.

  But no longer.

  My vest has a battery check, battery level indicators, a USB type-A output port, USB type-C input port, and a DC output port.

  How many ports does your vest have?

  I bet not enough.

  Like now I need a PhD to get dressed.

  I’m not smart enough for my smartclothes.

  Honestly my vest makes my smartphone look stupid.

  In any event, once my vest lost power, I had to get the battery out of its secret pocket, then I had to find the little dongle that I threw away, and finally I had to locate an actual USB port since my laptop doesn’t have one anymore.

  But I did it!

  I refueled my clothes!

  And here we are.

  Making new advances in outerwear every day.

  Bending nature to our will.

  Literally, empowered.

  It’s a great way to start the year, new and improved!

  Iron Woman!

  Copyright © Lisa Scottoline 2025

• Happy 2025! January 5, 2025

  See you next week!