By Lisa Scottoline
Lately there are a lot of wacky stories in the news, but there’s one that has me shaking my head.
In a good way.
I’m talking about the two masked burglars who broke into the Windsor Castle grounds and stole a pickup and a quad bike. Evidently they climbed a six-foot wall, entered the royal property, and took the vehicles, driving them out through a security checkpoint.
Of course, at the outset I have to say that I’m not taking this lightly.
I like the royal family and I want them to be safe.
And I expect they’ll do just fine.
I bet they already installed a Ring camera.
And I have so many questions, I don’t know where to begin.
But I don’t have normal questions like, how could this happen?
I have better questions.
Like, why?
If all the burglars wanted was a pickup truck and a quad bike, whatever that is, I’m pretty sure they could have stolen them off the street.
Or from somebody’s driveway.
Just not from the driveway of a king.
Like, anybody else’s driveway would do.
There’s just one driveway that won’t do.
And it’s the one they chose.
I don’t get it.
It seems like the path of most resistance.
Me, if I were going to do bad things, I’d avoid a king’s property altogether.
I don’t want to end up in the dungeon.
I mean, the burglars got away for now, but eventually the cops are going to catch them and throw the book at them.
Do you really want a king pissed off at you?
I don’t.
I’d steal the car of somebody who isn’t the king.
Generally, you want to avoid bad things and kings being in the same sentence.
Meanwhile, the king was away and so was the queen. But the prince and the princess were there and that’s bad enough.
I’m sure an angry prince is almost as bad as an angry king, and someday the prince is going to be the king and he’s going to remember who took his quad bike, whatever that is.
And he’s going to throw you in the dungeon.
Luckily, we don’t have to worry about kings and dungeons here.
I hope.
The other question I have is, if you find yourself having scaled a wall to get into the grounds at Windsor Castle, why steal a pickup and a quad bike?
Like I say, you can get that anywhere.
I myself own a pickup.
I love it, but I wouldn’t break into a castle to get it.
If I broke into a castle, I’d hotfoot it for the crowns.
That’s something you can’t get anywhere else.
I’d take the crown jewels, too, even though that’s another thing I don’t understand exactly what it is. I assume it means that the king and the queen are so rich that even their crowns have jewelry.
Either way, I’d take it all.
Anything that glitters, I’d stick in my pocket.
Also silver pitchers and stuff, because it’s so pretty and high-class.
Bottom line, if I broke into the classiest place ever, I’d take something classy.
Now, if these burglars have some kind of quad-bike fixation, they could have ridden the quad bike to the crown jewels.
That’s a crime that makes sense.
And also I have another question:
What, no moat?
If I had a castle, you can be damn sure I’d have a moat.
I’d stock it with piranhas, crocodiles, and a sea monster or two.
And when I got bored, I throw my quad bike in the moat.
Copyright © 2024 Lisa Scottoline