By Lisa Scottoline
Big news!
I applied for Social Security!
I know, there are those of you who don’t think this is big news, and there are others who have no idea what I’m talking about.
Allow me to explain.
You get to apply for Social Security when you get old.
And the good news is, I got old!
I crossed the finish line!
I bookended my own life!
I really don’t take this lightly. Not everybody gets to be old, and I have friends who did not get to the privilege of aging.
Life is precious.
But it’s not an entitlement.
Like Social Security.
I remember when I saw the taxes taken out of my first paycheck, and Mother Mary told me the money would be given back to me when I’m old.
It seemed unfair.
Until now.
Frankly, the government did the right thing.
Because I would’ve invested in shoes.
Also handbags.
But they kept my money, and all I had to do was keep breathing.
I did it!
I was excited to apply for Social Security, but I worried there would be a lot of forms and I wouldn’t know where to begin.
So I typed into the computer, How do I apply for Social Security?
A link popped onto the screen, and I answered the questions from there.
It took me TEN minutes to apply for Social Security online.
God’s honest truth!
I felt like I finished the test early and was looking around at everyone else still writing, a position I’ve never been in.
I admit I wasn’t sure about one of the questions, which was whether I wanted my first check now or later, but I decided the answer is now, especially because I’d waited long enough and I’m worried about what’s going to happen to Social Security.
Here’s where I tell you that I used to be a government employee.
I worked for the federal court system when I was a law clerk to a judge on the Third Circuit Court of Appeals. It was the most wonderful job I ever had except for the one I have now, where I’m the judge.
I give myself great performance reviews.
And raises.
Also shoes and handbags.
To return to point, I knew a lot of government employees back then, and they were all hard-working, honest, and dedicated to their jobs.
They did not waste taxpayer money.
No one ever forgot for a minute that someone was paying for our pencils, computers, and desks.
Bottom line, we were paying.
But nowadays, a random billionaire is running around like the Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland, shouting “off with their heads,” waving a chainsaw, and firing federal employees willy-nilly, claiming that most federal employees are frauds.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
But this column is supposed to be funny.
And the joke’s on us, friends.
Now we’ll pay taxes but get fewer services, all thanks to random billionaires who pay no taxes.
They’re not entitled, they just act that way.
Here’s the truth:
America is a big country, and its government provides a lot of services that need to be administered. The court system in which I worked administered justice. In other words, you cannot get justice without a lot of people to do the things that need to be done first.
Just like you cannot eat a dinner without somebody to buy and cook the food, then set the table and clean up after.
It’s really that simple.
You cannot get services like justice without administrators, and when you eliminate the administrators, you eliminate the services.
I can only pray that random billionaires don’t take our Social Security, put our checks in their own pockets, and call it justice.
Because it’s the exact opposite.
Copyright © Lisa Scottoline 2025