By Lisa Scottoline
The only products I endorse are my books.
Except for today.
I’m recommending a colonoscopy.
Why?
Because it’s a damn good time.
First, let me explain that I’m not giving medical advice.
I’m not a doctor. I’m just some lady trying to make you laugh.
And I finally had a colonoscopy after putting it off for twelve years.
Obviously, I’m a procrastinator.
I’m great at procrastinating because I get so much practice.
Procrastinating is the one thing I don’t put off.
Secondly, I’m not telling you to get a colonoscopy because I got bad news and want you to avoid the same fate.
Luckily, I’m fine.
And I hope you would be, too.
But there’s only one way to find out.
And if you’re procrastinating because you believe having a colonoscopy is going to be horrible, it’s going to be better than you think.
In fact, it’s a gas.
Sorry.
We begin when I start getting texts from Penn Medicine at Radnor, which is where I scheduled the colonoscopy. The text messages came in a series the week before, and each one was cheerier than the last, like: “Lisa, it’s officially colonoscopy prep week!”
Yay?
More texts came in, and they got me thinking positively about something I had been dreading, even though they were from some mechanized, algorithmic, auto-reply bot.
Bum Bot.
Bum Bot would text me helpful directions every day, like: “Lisa, don’t forget to purchase your prep supplies!”
Thanks for the reminder, Bum Bot!
Next text, “Good morning, Lisa! Let’s take a look at your diet in preparation for your colonoscopy!”
Another great idea!
Then, “Lisa, Have you made arrangements for a ride home? Let us know!”
Why, no, thanks for asking, Bum Bot!
I began to look forward to his texts.
It’s sexting for old people.
Then: “Hi Lisa, remember that you really want to avoid high fiber foods! Here’s a short list of foods to avoid and foods to eat!”
At this point I fell in love with Bum Bot.
He cared about me and my fiber content.
The way to a woman’s heart is through her…stomach.
And the night before the colonoscopy, he wrote: “Please enjoy your dinner this evening! This will be your last meal with solid food!”
Hmm, maybe too execution-y.
On the day before the test, Bum Bot texted: “Good morning, Lisa! It’s game time!”
Go, team, go!
Push ‘em back, shove ‘em back, waaaay back.
Well, not that far back.
I had to take pills and drink liquid divided into two parts, overnight. Even at midnight, Bum Bot texted: “Great job! The first half of your prep is complete!”
Every step of the way, he was behind me.
Literally.
After I drank the second half, he texted: “You’ve come so far, and the worst is over!”
What a guy!
The worst was over!
Meanwhile I hadn’t even had my colonoscopy yet.
Bum Bot texts to me ended with clapping emojis: “Congratulations! You did it!”
I felt so accomplished!
All I did was sit on the toilet all night!
Later, the procedure was just me going to sleep via anesthesia and waking up rested under a warm blanket, which I loved.
The nurses were great, the doctor was great, and everybody was great.
And incredibly, they emailed me a colonoscopy report that even included color pictures taken from inside my colon.
Whoa!
I’d show you one but it’s NSFW.
More old people porn.
You show me yours and I’ll show you mine.
Honestly, I was a little grossed out, but also, fascinated!
Turns out, sometimes it’s good to have your head up your ass.
Copyright Lisa Scottoline 2024