By Lisa Scottoline
I’m loved.
By an algorithm.
But I’ll take it.
As you may know, I haven’t had a date in forever and I write sex scenes from memory.
But now I can’t remember.
To return to point, that doesn’t mean I don’t have love in my life.
I have great friends, furry animals, and above all, a phone.
My phone loves me deeply.
And so does every place I shop online.
How do I know?
Because they tell me so, via my phone.
These days, every time I buy something, I get a text or email from the website fifteen minutes later, telling them how much they enjoyed my patronage.
All I did was click.
But now we’re in a relationship.
I’m not complaining.
I know, they’re trying to get into my pants.
I mean, my wallet.
But at least someone’s asking me questions and cares about my answer.
I didn’t get that in either marriage.
Even an algorithm is better than Thing One and Thing Two.
I should have married Al Gorhythm.
Sorry.
The same thing happens when I go into stores. I mean brick-and-mortar, like old-school buildings where you drive there, walk inside, and buy stuff.
Stores are better boyfriends than sites because they care about me, in detail.
After I leave, every store sends me a survey, asking me pages of specific questions:
How was my experience at their store?
Were all of my questions answered?
Were the salespeople knowledgeable and courteous?
How about the store itself? Was it clean and well-lit?
Was it able to find everything I needed?
Would I recommend the store to my friends?
Or only my enemies?
I might be the only person who actually responds to these surveys.
I love it!
Ask me anything!
I have opinions!
I’m sharing them!
If it says, Is there anything else you would like us to know, I click, YOU’RE DARN TOOTIN!
Then I elaborate.
I show my work.
Every restaurant sends me a survey, too, and I tap away on my phone, rating the appetizers, the wait staff, and the specialty drink menu:
Yes, I sure would recommend that margarita with smoky mescal!
Last week I went to a horse show and even they sent me a survey.
What’s my opinion on the horse show?
I love horses!
I would recommend the show to every horse I know!
By the way, I give everybody good ratings, but it’s the truth. I’m not out to ruin anybody’s day or get anybody fired. I waitressed in college and I love everybody. I’m a five-star machine.
Why?
People don’t get enough positive reinforcement in life.
My point was proven last week, when I watched a Formula One race and British driver George Russell radioed in the middle of the race, “I need a bit of encouragement, mate.”
OMG, can you imagine?
He’s driving a racecar at 200 miles an hour.
I’d give him all the encouragement he needs.
I give him so much encouragement he wouldn’t need gas.
Meanwhile you should see me drive at 70 miles an hour.
My teeth start to chatter.
To return to point, I’m going to shop more often because I love all the surveys, which I answer in a loop of recycled love.
I even recommend stores on Yelp, if they ask me to.
After all, I have my career because readers have been kind enough to recommend my books to others, so I pay it forward.
Thanks, mate!
Copyright Lisa Scottoline 2024