Humorous Non-Fiction

By Lisa Scottoline & Francesca Serritella

Humorous Essays Bike

Lisa and her daughter, Francesca Serritella, have teamed up to bring their hilarious and witty perspective on the everyday life as mother and daughter in their weekly essays, which you can find in their latest collection, I've Got Sand in All the Wrong Places. With stories that will have you laughing out loud one minute and tearing up the next, Lisa and Francesca connect with readers on a deeply emotional level because of their honesty, warts and all. And by the time you turn the last page, you will feel like you just found two new best girlfriends. Earlier collections include Does This Beach Make Me Look Fat?, Have a Nice Guilt Trip, Meet Me at Emotional Baggage Claim, Why My Third Husband Will Be a Dog, My Nest Isn't Empty, It Just Has More Closet Space, and Best Friends, Occasional Enemies.

Chick Wit: Legends of the Fall

By Lisa Scottoline
September 25, 2016

My friends used to tell me, when you fall, you fall hard.

They were talking about love.

But they’re not anymore.

I still fall hard, but this week it wasn’t about love.

It was one of those little things that turns out to be a bigger thing, at least for me. I find life lessons in everything because I miss Oprah.

To give you some background, this is what is happening in my life right now:

The end of September is the deadline for my next book, construction on the new garden room, and my 11th Annual Book Club Party, for which 1200 book club members will be coming through my house.

Honestly, I’m not complaining. I like when things are hopping, but the problem is, so was I, literally.

I was trying to hop over one of those indoor dog gates, and at the time, I was carrying a jar full of dog biscuits.

Can we pause to reflect on what a great dog mom I am?

Not only do I have stupid gates all over my house, but my errand was making sure that the dogs not be without their biscuits for one whole minute.

Somebody must’ve put the dog cookie jar in the dining room, so I had to fetch it.

I’m the only one in my house who fetches.

The dogs sit on the couch and wait for room service.

Anyway, I was bringing back the dog cookie jar and hopping over the dog gate when I tripped and went flying.

For brief moment I felt like Superwoman, but I landed like Wile E. Coyote.

I fell flat on the hardwood floor and miraculously, the cookie jar did not break, but the dog biscuits came tumbling out. The dogs rushed immediately to my side, concerned about my health and welfare.

Okay, what really happened was that the dogs rushed immediately to my side and began eating all the biscuits.

I got up, dusted myself off, and let them lick the floor clean because who needs to sweep anything when you have five dogs.

They keep house better than I do.

But by the end of that night, my back was killing me.

Coincidentally, at the time I was reading Amy Schumer’s book, The Girl With The Lower Back Tattoo. And I became The Girl With The Lower Back Ache.

I could barely walk, I couldn’t bend, and I couldn’t open the refrigerator door, so you know this was a catastrophe.

A catastrophe caused by dogs.

Ironic.

I went immediately to my computer and started Googling bad medical information, which is like having a doctor who makes house calls, but is alcoholic.

I spend more time on Web M.D. than most people spend on online porn.

In fact, Web M.D. is my online porn.

Who doesn’t want to date a doctor?

Anyway I gathered all the bad medical information to arrive at my own misdiagnosis, which was either that I had muscle strain or kidney cancer.

I took the road less terrifying.

Unfortunately, the treatment for muscle strain was to ice the area immediately.

Too late.

The treatment after the ice was heat.

Now, right there, I need somebody to explain to me what it is with this hot and cold business. How can icing be the treatment in the first hour and heating be the treatment for the second? Maybe if we didn’t spend time icing it, we wouldn’t have to heat it.

In any event, since I had missed the icing window, I went directly to heating, which was more fun. I was living with ThermaCare in the daytime and a heating pad at night and trying to finish my novel, clean my construction site, and get ready for the book club party by my deadline, by which point I was pretty sure I would be dead.

And all along, I kept thinking about falling. I started to become afraid to fall. I couldn’t afford another fall. I didn’t have time for a strained muscle or a broken bone. I used to worry about Mother Mary falling, and even though I’m not that old, I felt that old after because I was obsessing about falling. I started to wonder if I fell because I was rushing around trying to do too many things at once.

Then I remembered that we had been working on balance in my yoga class, yet I still have the worst balance, and it struck me that maybe that was my problem.

I don’t have good balance.

I’m doing too much at once, and I need to get some balance in my life.

Literally.

Remember what I told you about the life lessons?

Ta-da!

So I resolve to get more balance in my life.

After my deadline.


Copyright Lisa Scottoline 2016