Chick Wit: This Is The Pits
Just when you think women's health isn't getting enough attention, along comes good news.
I'm talking about a new medical procedure developed to address one of our most pressing female problems:
Yes, we sweat.
And something needs to be done about it, evidently.
You may have seen the news story, which reports a great advance in scientific knowledge for women. A machine has been invented that will microwave your underarms and thus eliminate sweating and underarm hair.
So much about this is wonderful that I don’t know where to start.
I guess with the microwave part, because I love my microwave and I'm always looking for new things to microwave. I hadn't thought to look under my own arm, but you learn something new every day.
This news is especially welcome in the summer months, when it’s hot and we’re microwaving instead of cooking.
Nobody wants to slave over a hot oven in August.
By the way, we both know that August is a total excuse.
Nobody wants to slave over a hot oven in December, either, but let’s keep that secret.
Just play along.
They’ll never know.
If you end up having to slave over a hot oven in August, then you can be a real martyr and give everybody guilt.
Don't miss the opportunity to Be a Martyr/Give Guilt.
This is how you teach people your True Value.
Of course, if you microwave your armpit, you won’t have to sweat in August.
To stay on point, the way armpit-microwaving works is that the machine concentrates energy on the sweat glands and hair follicles in the underarm area, creating such intense heat that it destroys the glands and follicles entirely, so they don't regenerate.
Now there's a good idea.
If this sounds like a brush fire in your armpit, it might as well be.
The side effects are pain and swelling.
Also screaming at the top of your lungs.
They say this procedure is "noninvasive."
I beg to differ.
If I lift up my arm and you torch my glands, that would be the very definition of "invasive."
That might even be "criminal."
In a related story, I read about hospitals in New York that are having hairstylists come to maternity wards and blow-dry the hair of the new moms, who want to look pretty for their Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter pictures.
Another great idea.
I think it's extremely important for women to look their best at all times, and fifteen hours of painful labor is no excuse.
Not to mention nine months before that, of growing another human being inside your very body.
It's only the miracle of life.
In fact, if pregnant women microwaved their armpits before they entered the hospital to give birth, then they wouldn't sweat even during labor.
Clearly, somebody's thinking around here.
Plan ahead, ladies.
One stylist who fixed a new mom’s hair in the hospital explains that women want their hair to look spruced up, but not fussy.
I think that's because the baby’s supposed to be fussy, not the mother.
The stylist said that new moms don't want "black-tie event hair."
That makes sense.
After labor, the only thing I wanted tied was my tubes.
The news story reported that a hospital-room booking with a stylist from an upscale salon can cost as much as $700.
I can’t think of a better use for the money, the day your baby is born.
College funds can wait.
The only way to improve this idea is to have the hairstylist blow-dry the infant’s hair, too.
Nobody's hair looks worse than on the day they're born.
Babies don't have bed head, they have birth-canal head.
It's not pretty, and infants need to learn the importance of pretty from day one.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
Especially if it's your very very first impression.
Of course, both of these major developments in women's health came about not because hospitals or government wanted them, but because women want them.
We have met the enemy and it is us.
We haven't gotten the message that our True Value has nothing to do with the way we look.
It has to do with how many people we make feel guilty.
© Lisa Scottoline 2015