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Meet Me At Emotional Baggage Claim

Lisa and her daughter, Francesca Serritella, have teamed up to bring their hilarious and witty perspective on the everyday life as mother and daughter in their weekly essays which you can find in their latest collection, Have a Nice Guilt Trip. With stories that will have you laughing out loud one minute and tearing up the next, Lisa and Francesca connect with readers on a deeply emotional level because of the honesty they bring to their stories and by the time you turn the last page you will feel like you just found two new best girlfriends. Earlier collections include Meet Me at Emotional Baggage Claim, Why My Third Husband Will Be a Dog, My Nest Isn't Empty, It Just Has More Closet Space, and Best Friends, Occasional Enemies.

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Chick Wit: To Error Is Human
Lisa Scottoline | March 30, 2015


There's a lesson in every news story.

Luckily, you have me to find it for you.

Today's news story is the driverless car, about which you might have heard.

It's an Audi SUV outfitted with special electronics by a company named Delphi Automotive, and those electronics enable the car to drive itself. In fact, the car left San Francisco last weekend and is now driving itself 3500 miles to New York City.

I'm not making this up. I saw it online, so you know it's real.

The car is due to arrive in New York this weekend.

It better be on time.

And it probably will be.

Why?

Because there's no people around to make it late.

In fact, that's the theory of the driverless car. That it can drive itself anywhere, speed up or slow down, switch lanes, enter and exit highways, merge, and in short, get itself where it wants to even safer than a "human-piloted" car.

Why?

Because to err is human, and if you want to eliminate the err, you have to eliminate the human.

In other words, there's no pilot to mess up the piloting.

No knucklehead's at the wheel to text, eat, talk on the phone, or swill vodka while driving, nobody to be distracted or sleepy, no man or woman to make the mistakes that humans inevitably make.

And don't get started on teenagers, which though adorable, are programmed to make more driving mistakes than the general population.

It's not their fault, it's their hormones.

In that they have them.

There are few fuels more powerful than high-octane testosterone.

And at certain times of the month, estrogen can light an entire city.

I barely remember my estrogen.

And I'm not trying to replace her.

Because I don't miss her.

Nor does anyone around me.

To stay on point, when you think about it, the idea of a driverless car is very simple, and in fact, I wonder why it took so long to accomplish.

After all, planes have autopilot, so why shouldn't cars?

I know what you're thinking, that there's a lot more things to bump into on the road than in the sky, but you're forgetting that there's one big thing you could bump into in the sky, which is that large round ball located beneath the plane.

If you hit it, you'll do more than bend your fender.

The downside risk is greater. As in, it's down.

You get the idea, even if Harrison Ford doesn't.

So how does the driverless car get where it wants to go?

The Delphi website says that the car has "four short-range radars, three vision-based cameras, six lidars, a localization system, intelligent software algorithms and a full suite of Advanced Driver Assistance Systems."

Cheater.

If I had all that stuff, I could drive myself around, too.

Oh. Wait.

Plus I don't know what a lidar is, and I don't care. I don't need any lidars to drive my car. All I need is a fresh cup of coffee, my phone, something to eat, and a dead mouse in a water bottle.

You may recall the time I was driving, drank a dead mouse, and almost crashed into a divider, a cyclone fence, and a Wawa store.

Because I'm a human being.

And therefore unworthy of being a pilot.

I'm loving this principle of eliminating humans to reduce error, and I'm wondering if we could apply it in other situations.

For example, I'm pretty sure that both of my marriages would have been an astounding success, if I hadn't been in either one of them.

Also, I think the country would be running better if we eliminated the human beings in government.

Oh wait. There aren't any.

What if we just took the human beings off the planet and let Earth run itself?

Let's see, the air smell better, the water would run cleaner, the ground would remain unpunctured, and the animals would be safe.

Just the way we found it.

Before we started driving.

Nah.


© Lisa Scottoline 2015

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